How to Undo Relationship Patterns

How to Undo Relationship Patterns

Previously Seen on Huffington Post

Why The Bachelorette Made the Choice She Did

Just like many people, one of my guilty pleasures is watching The Bachelorette. Apart from the obvious reasons, with the work I do helping people to become more aware of themselves and to shift their patterns, including in love and relationships, I love to watch how each of the “contestants” show up and how their relationship patterns unfold to dictate their “success” or getting sent home.

For example, one of the most common relationship patterns on JoJo’s season was men who were emotionally-blocked and disconnected from themselves. Don’t get me wrong. These men were good-looking and trying sincerely to open up, but many of them were just shut off from their own feelings.

Examples of patterns from other season’s include Nick’s pattern of always being “second-best” and Ashley I.’s pattern of being super emotional, likely to subconsciously get attention.

So, what does this have to do with JoJo choosing Jordan?

Here’s how I describe it:

We all have relationship patterns from our childhood. Our parents (or our caregiver) show up in a certain way (or don’t show up in a certain way), and we are forever chasing that in our partners. Many times, these patterns are what keep us attracting certain mates and keep us from attracting a partner that can truly love us the way we would choose to be loved if we weren’t intertwined with our childhood patterns.

For JoJo, part of this looks like her being attracted to men where she always feels doubt and fear that they were going to pull away their love and not stick around.

Her focus on this, or trying not to attract this, is what has kept her attracting this type of partner, over and over.

Even when she had guys that were showing up for her fully, guys like Luke and Robby, her heart was drawn to Jordan. Now, first of all, I’m not at all saying Jordan is a bad guy, but JoJo clearly kept questioning that relationship, and her questioning that relationship is good information for her. After all, I don’t know anyone, that if they’re truly being honest with themselves, who wants to spend a lifetime in fear and self-doubt.

Of course, too, as part of JoJo choosing Jordan, there was chemistry, but I would venture to guess that a lot of what made her feel like Jordan was the right one was her comfort in being uncomfortable. We’ve all been in places, where even though something made us feel not so good, we kept going after it because there was something intoxicating about it. As part of this discomfort, my sense is that an old relationship pattern was driving her truth. And, when an inherited pattern (i.e. – something you picked up from your parents) is driving your truth, is that really your truth or is that just inherited truth? In the moment, it sure feels like truth, but unfortunately, it’s at a deeper energetic level that keeps you blocked from being able to see what’s in your highest good for the long term.

So, how do we begin to undo this, especially when it comes to undoing relationship patterns to attract an ideal partner for ourselves, and not just a partner who appears ideal?

1. Be aware.
First and foremost to undoing your relationship patterns is to be aware of what that pattern is. What type of person are you attracting? Maybe they’re unavailable in some way or a narcissist. Whatever it is, noticing the common pattern you keep seeing, is the first start to changing it.

2. Know your why.
After you become aware of the relationship pattern, understanding why you are continually being drawn to this type of person is crucial. A key to this is looking at who in your life showed up this way (or didn’t show up this way) and the initial moment that comes up for you where this person demonstrated this pattern. For instance, if you had an unavailable or abusive parent, notice when you think of the first time this pattern appeared with this parent, what memory shows up.

3. Give yourself a voice.
The third piece to undoing a pattern is giving your inner child the voice it didn’t have when that pattern was initially taken on. In your mind’s eye, put whatever parent comes up when you think of this pattern in front of you and begin to tap into your inner child. What does she/he want to say to this person about what happened? Maybe it’s something as simple as, “It really hurt me when you said that.” and maybe it’s something even deeper. Whatever the case is, keep vocalizing what your little child needs to say until you feel like you’ve said it all. A key point to note here is that you may need to do this exercise with the same person multiple times, as new emotions may surface as you start to bring this to the forefront.

Whatever the case, I wish JoJo and Jordan much love, and hope that her truth was from true choice.

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