As I get ready for my twenty year high-school reunion, I was thinking back to the woman I was at my ten-year. While she appeared to have it all together, I now realize that I didn’t know myself very well.
Looking back, I can now see that I had a lot of pretenses about who I was supposed to be and had built a life from these “untruths.”
What did this look like?
I was seeking perfection. I was seeking success. I was seeking appearances.
This meant a corporate job making six figures, though I can’t remember if I was “there” yet. It also meant a lot of accomplishments. Traveling around the globe. Check. All kinds of unique experiences. Check. A group of fun, loyal and adventurous friends. Check. I now know that this life I had made that had the look of happiness was a life I had built from the outside in.
As part of this, too, I would have definitely said I wanted a partner and children. Little did I know, just a few short years later, the idea of what this looked like would shift dramatically for me.
You see it was just a few years ago that I went on a journey to find love. At the time, I thought it was love of another, but what I found out, was that I was on a self-love journey. This journey involved knowing myself, uncovering my truths and living into them each and every day.
On the other side of this, I came out with a clear definition of what I did and didn’t want.
More importantly, though, I was no longer in fear. I was no longer in fear that I wasn’t going to have the life that I truly desired. (Important side note: My fear had been a lot of what was creating that exact life.) I was no longer in fear that life I truly desired existed. And, I was no longer in fear that exact life didn’t want me.
Instead, I was in trust. I was in knowing. I was in love.
As part of this, I let go of all of the boxes I had been playing from, one of the biggest of which was the belief in my biological clock.
As I got to know myself, I realized the decision to have children was one that I wanted to make with my future partner. For me, making this decision on my own was like planning a wedding without a husband.
This realization relaxed me. It gave me space to breathe. It gave me space to enjoy the journey. Most importantly, it gave me space to trust.
I began to trust that if I was meant to have children, that I would absolutely have them and that the worry wasn’t getting me anywhere.
For the first time, I was truly able to see clearly. I finally could own that going on a date and beginning a relationship with any ideas or expected outcomes was not going to get me anywhere. Whether I knew it or not, men could feel that pressure, even if I never said a word about it.
I now live relaxed, in the knowing I am on the perfect path for me, which is not always perfect. I now live in faith. I am now in the now.
How has your belief in your biological clock impacted you and your relationships? I’d love to know. Comment below.