It was several years ago now.
I had met a guy I was truly excited about, and we had started dating.
This time was going to be different.
You see, in my mind, I was making a different choice, not to mention he checked all of the boxes (or so I thought).
Plus, I had all of the awarenesses around the type of guy I was dating (and years of therapy to prove it), and it was finally going to happen.
Until the rug was pulled out from under me, and just like that, it was over before it had even begun.
And, I was sick and tired of believing each time was going to be different.
Something had to change.
It was then that I went in search of love. At the time, I thought it was love of another, but what I would come to realize later was the love that I was looking for was within me.
I know we all hear about loving ourselves and how that shifts our ability to attract what’s on the outside, but the truth is, this is the truth.
So, what do we do, when we’re all caught up in our stuff, we have our “Relationship Wish List” and maybe, we’re even aware of things that are stopping us from the love we’re looking for?
In my love journey, which has become a journey to me and a journey to truth, here’s what I’ve learned:
1. Change the inside, change the outside.
When things aren’t working in our worlds, so many of us look to change the outside.
What does this look like? Maybe we go find a new job, or in the case of love, a new relationship. But, changing your outer world starts on the inside. And, I’m not just talking about mindset here. I’m talking about changing the feeling, whatever that feeling is for you. The feeling I had been experiencing when I met that guy was, “Is this ever going to happen?” and “Why do I keep attracting the same type of people?”
For me, because I had been through years of ineffective therapy, my search wasn’t just about changing this, but changing this quickly, which I now do in my work for others. One simple tool you can apply to begin changing the feeling is exhaling out whatever negative emotion you’re feeling (for example, worry or doubt) and inhaling love. I recommend doing this whenever you notice the emotion coming up for up to a minute at a time.
2. Re-center in yourself.
We can get so focused on others and doing what they want to get them to like (or stay with) us. But, the truth is, this ends up creating the exact opposite of what we want. Think about it. Have you ever met someone who is always agreeable or hanging on you? Does that make you want to pull closer to them or push away? I don’t know about you, but for me, I run (quickly!) in the opposite direction. So, what do we do when we see ourselves losing ourselves when we’re around someone we like? We take our focus back to us and ask questions like, “How am I feeling right now?” and “What do I want in this moment?” and if you’re on a date, “What do I like/dislike about this person and how am I feeling being around them?” Sometimes those butterflies are not the good kind, and they’re just triggering our stuff, which brings me to my third suggestion.
3. Find out what’s really true for you.
You might think your relationship (or other) patterns are your truth, but what if I told you they may not be? What if I told you that most, if not all of these were actually inherited truths? (I.e. – “Truths” you picked up from your parents that have been passed down from generation to generation that are just patterns.) Besides the example of attracting the same type of person over and over, other “inherited truths” can include any of your stories around relationship (“Good guys are hard to find.”), your stories around money/abundance (“I have to work hard to make money.”) and your stories around obligation (“I am a bad person if I say no.”). To begin to change these, simply ask, “Is this really true for me and if not, who did I learn this from?”. Simply having the awareness around whose story you’re telling can definitely help to bring you into more truth.
For me, outside of the aforementioned guy :), the above were three of the keys that changed my life.
Are you ready to change yours?
To true love!