A Piece of Relationship Advice for Successful Women that No One’s Talking About

big love

As I move toward big love in my life and reflect on relationships past, it’s become clear to me why a love partnership hasn’t happened for me up until this point.

My story is not unlike many. I grew up in a family where achievements and accomplishments were rewarded. Straight A’s. Check. Lots of extracurricular activities. Check. And, really, a life full of adventure, travel and doing. Check.

Fast forward to when I entered the corporate world and this positive reinforcement worked really well to help me climb the ladder and move into six figures.

It did not work well, though, in my love life. And I’ve come to realize this is because of one major thing:

I’d been hanging out in masculine energy.

What is masculine energy? It’s doing vs. being. It’s “making things happen” vs. allowing. via @DeborahAcker and receiving. It’s busy vs. calm. And, really, it’s hard vs. soft.

And, why has this been so paramount to my former failure in relationships?

[Tweet “Because, when we’re in masculine energy, a man can’t feel us. via @DeborahAcker”]

What does it mean to be felt? It means to be truly vulnerable and open to really expressing ourselves. It means going deep with who we are. And it means letting go of control and letting our walls down. Yes, letting go is a big part.

Why is this important? Because if he can’t feel you, he’s not connected to you. And, if he’s not connected to you, the spark dies and the physical attraction, relationship newness, and the excitement that comes with it, dwindles. We’ve all been there, and it ain’t pretty.

With that, I want to ask you: how many times you have been in a relationship and not been open to being vulnerable and receiving help? For a long time, I was there too. Not to mention how many times I would tell someone how to date me. You know, when you walk up to someone and tell them (not-so-subtly) how great you are? Or when you’re already dating them, and you let them know when they should call you or when you are free to go out with them? Let’s face it, these are ways for us to have control, but in the end, they create the exact thing we’re trying to avoid. (Hint: It doesn’t end well.)

So, how do we begin to access our feminine energy, and most importantly, how do we let a man actually feel us, and really let them feel our hearts, for true connection?

1. Connect with your feminine energy.

When I first started working on this, I had no clue how to access my feminine side. For so long, I thought it was positive to act like a man, which absolutely is understandable given how much I was rewarded for showing up this way. When I would receive feedback about how strong my handshake was, I actually thought this was a good thing, even attractive, and while it was working for me in my career, it was absolutely not working for me in the place that mattered most to me, my love life.

Accessing the feminine for me started with realizing masculine energy existed in the upper half of my body. This makes sense if you think of how men stand or even when you feel the safest (or the most scared) around a man—their shoulders are usually wide. For women, though, the simple act of bringing your energy and attention in your hips and relaxing the upper half of your body can begin to shift this.

2. Be vulnerable. I mean really vulnerable.

So many times, we don’t reveal parts of ourselves because we’re scared and/or we don’t know how. But, practicing sharing these pieces of ourselves is crucial to shifting into our feminine. How do we do this? Begin to practice being relational with people who you feel safe with.

Being relational means sharing your insides and really allowing yourself to go deep, even if it scares you. A couple of cues that can help you get in touch with this part of yourself include, “If I wasn’t scared, I’d tell you…” and “What I don’t want you to know about me right now is…” Then, go deep into why it scares you or why you don’t want to share it. If you’re just wanting to scratch the surface, notice this. There’s a completely different vibe between, “I’m uncomfortable.” And “I’m scared to share this because I’m scared if I do, you’ll leave me.”

When we share from our truth and truly open up, we give a man the opportunity to hold space for us, and to really witness us, and trust me, ladies, there’s something truly powerful and really delicious about this. This is feminine energy at its best.

3. Ask for help.

We can get so conditioned to being independent and doing things ourselves that we don’t take help when it’s given and, even worse, we don’t ask for it. A crucial part in stepping into the feminine, though, is allowing ourselves to receive help.

4. Receive everything.

In addition to receiving help, men are constantly giving us opportunities to receive. Think about the last time you received a compliment. How did you take it? Did it make you uncomfortable, or maybe you even felt the need to reciprocate? I’ve been there, too, and I know, many times in the past, I had a hard time just saying thank you, and taking it in. Instead, I might dismiss it or say something complimentary back.

Taken one step further, think about a time when a man wanted to give you something. Maybe it was something small like dinner, and maybe it was something bigger like a vacation. How did you respond to his gift? It’s interesting to see how wrong we can feel receiving. One simple thing you can do to change this, whether it’s a compliment or something bigger, is to take a deep breath before you respond and really drink in, internalize and receive, what they are offering.

No matter what, though, even implementing one of the above can help bring out more of the true you to attract your true love.

(Originally published in Elephant Journal 10.10.16)